she reminded me of you, like sunshine or...something akin to a natural high

I was having one of those days where I felt myself floating through a foreign movie. Without the subtitles. I wasn't understanding much as to what people were saying around me and would drift away from a conversation long before it had even reached a resolution of sorts.

Just a day ago, I was thinking of heading out to the beach again and sit like I would like to. In complete silence. I feel that I can only take people that I can comfortably be quiet with to the beach, for a walk anywhere or to a park. So I can bask in the disembarassed silence that we share.

I had been doing that a lot with Lima lately. Going out for a drive, a walk or just sitting together and staring into space. Just so that she would feel comforted and not alone. Since October our quiet times spent together had been for her and alhamdo lillah for the fact that Allah gave me the chance to be the sister when she needed one the most.

Yesterday I wanted Zairah to be back in town so I could sit on a bench somewhere. For me. And I wanted it so much. Like the time we were in Deja Vu and wanted to get up from a dinner with other friends, because her heart wasn't in it and I couldn't bear to see her put up a brave front just because my friends were joining us as well.

Lately, I've been wanting to get up from crowded places because I cannot and do not agree with what is being said or done in front of me, so much that it gnaws at me by inches until there is not much left but a hollow within, for all those things that we do merely because we find it easier than having to question our actions and clashing beliefs.

Zairah doesn't come online that often. She must have come online all of three times in the past six months. And yet Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala Makes it so that she comes online when I feel that I could not have possibly missed her more.

I was so pleased to see her online that all my previous discontent melted away to the warmth of having her around. Allah afflicts us with sorrow and blesses us with happiness. But just like how medicine would not take effect unless Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala would make the medicine a zarriya (channel), the exact same way He Blesses us with friends whose presence makes us realize just how Merciful He is to us. There is None Unto Like Him. Allahu Akbar.

I had read in a rivaayat that I sadly cannot refer directly as I cannot remember but Rasool Allah SAWS said that a true Momin is one who looks like a man of Allah and when you look at him, you get reminded of Allah.

Although I couldn't speak to Zairah as much as I would have liked to, the mere fact that she came online when I couldn't have missed her more made all the difference. She is the zarriya through which I felt blessed, and I cannot thank Allah enough for keeping me alive so I can atone my past ungratefulness and praise Him in both happiness and sorrow.