Lima wrote this in an SMS once,
"It's amazing how the anticipation of some memory is filled with fear of confrontation and in reality confronting it takes you to new levels of self discovery."

She wrote this a day before my first exam in January. The next day I saw this feeling come to life within me when I stopped at Ryz's mum's grave on the way back from my exam.

I first met Ryz there because I wanted to start from a point nearest to him and take it from there. That first meeting was the only culmination of his thoughts on death, departure and loss - aspects we barely skimmed over afterwards, usually unintentionally.

My consequent trips to his mum's grave were only to help keep things in perspective for me. Graveyards are the stark reminder of the mortality of this world and everything that the world's turnings shroud in its apparent importance. Alhamdo lillah I find it immensely pacifying to go there to realize the mutability of the most constant of maelstroms.

After that first time I ended up going alone, usually asking him before I went whether he wanted to go as well and always going for myself than any other reason or person.

Just that this time when I went in January I sillily anticipated memories of the first time there and my association with Ryzvan. Alhamdo lillah I found myself to feel liberated by having gone with no connection to anyone. I stopped at the gate to read the masnoon dua and send salaam, walked to his mum's grave, had a good look at the graveyard and stepped out.

I ended up going there after each exam with the welcome resolution of having gone not because Ryz's mum's grave lay there, but because I would soon be part of dust as well. Nothing is as absolute as the inevitability of death and our return to Him. The mere realization of that reality shatters the seemingly monstrous facade taken on by untamed apprehensions of the human mind.

To think that on that particular day in January I headed for the graveyard absolutely prepared to be selfishly overcome by memories of Ryzvan when Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala Put me in my place, once again.

Zairah and Maryam came over for breakfast on Monday since it was a public holiday. They reached my house around ten-thirty in the morning so it was not an early breakfast. Just that Zairah and I had not slept very well the previous night and we were feeling extremely sluggish.

Alhamdo lillah the house contained only girls since Abu was out of town and Ami was waiting for us to make her breakfast as well. So we had a leisurely breakfast to ourselves, Ami included.
After breakfast the three of us felt so sleepy that instead of doing anything else afterwards, we slept. Just like that. Until two in the afternoon.

Ami kept wondering why the house was so quiet despite having three friends being in the same room. The reason was that we did not feel it necessary to talk just because we met up, instead we did what would have made us happier at the moment.

When I told Halima about this, she laughed and related how a night spent at a friend's house in Lahore resulted in her feeling out-of-place for most of the time. So I guess more than knowing a person enough to laugh or cry with them, it ia necessary to be able to sleep around them without any explanation. Absolute peace, alhamdo lillah.

I was gifted chocolates a few days ago. I need not even think of who gave it and in what context. The gesture alone made me feel like a little girl, alhamdo lillah.

That made me think of all the simple gifts I've received that meant all the world to me.

Before that Afshan sent me the most adorably snug pajamas from Umreeka. Imagine that, she sent me pajamas. And I adore them to bits.

Halima got me a marvelous bunch of balloons on the day of my admissions test for Indus.

Maryam brought a beautiful box for me from Iran.

Nazia got me a bottle of Mr. Bubbles bubble solution.

I keep getting beautiful bangles for Eid, almost as if to receive them were not only my right, but common tradition.

Aamir Bhai gave me my first (and only) jade pendant and matching earrings, shaped like apples.
He also gave me my first (of many) snow-globes.

Arooj made me a card when I burnt my fingers containing the wish that my "figer wil be beter tomoro."

I've always been a firm believer of the fact that Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala being As-Samad (the Absolute) can alone plan each and every event albeit how small or insignificant such that not only the ones involved are influenced by it, but each one who hears about it in turn are affected by it in some way or the other. It all is a matter of looking out for His signs.

About an hour ago I heard of someone passing away as a result of taking his own life. The third of a similar situation in the course of a year. It made me try to imagine the extent of disparity one must feel in order to take such a step.

Astaghfarullah. The state of having underestimated Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala's justice for that brief moment.

"And unto Allah leads straight the Way, but there are ways that turn aside: if Allah had willed, He could have guided all of you."

The Holy Quran, Surah An-Nahl (The Bee) 16:9

Hearing of such a death at this point in time makes me reflect on the times that I felt or impatient while relying on Allah to Set right my affairs. Or the times I prayed to him but half-heartedly. Astaghfarullah.

Some months ago Maryam told me about a relative who was released after being held by the intelligence for interrogation for almost four years. The only times his family heard from him were on Eid days, and nine months before his eventual return his family did not even get that one phone call.
Imagine what his mother would have felt at each ring of the telephone. She did not even know whether he was alive or not. Nine months.

I heard of that incident during a time I felt myself to be brutally caught in a limbo where I waited for a resolution that I knew was inevitable, but I did not have the vaguest sense of timeline to stamp it with.
Imagining myself in his mother's shoes shook me awake to realize what limbo must truly mean, while I was busy being caught in the romantic idea behind having to wait too long when it was my same Allah who was Trying me, and was well aware of my limitations.

Tonight this death fortified my faith in Allah and my service towards him, slaving so that He keeps me guided on the straight path, Ameen.

Just like I haven't slept on an argument without having resolved it ever since Adnan passed away. Allahu Akbar, for He has Helped me maintain that resolution despite varying time zones.

I can't help but think that alhamdo lillah if I remain reminded of His signs at times like these, I must be doing something right.