Lima wrote this in an SMS once,
"It's amazing how the anticipation of some memory is filled with fear of confrontation and in reality confronting it takes you to new levels of self discovery."

She wrote this a day before my first exam in January. The next day I saw this feeling come to life within me when I stopped at Ryz's mum's grave on the way back from my exam.

I first met Ryz there because I wanted to start from a point nearest to him and take it from there. That first meeting was the only culmination of his thoughts on death, departure and loss - aspects we barely skimmed over afterwards, usually unintentionally.

My consequent trips to his mum's grave were only to help keep things in perspective for me. Graveyards are the stark reminder of the mortality of this world and everything that the world's turnings shroud in its apparent importance. Alhamdo lillah I find it immensely pacifying to go there to realize the mutability of the most constant of maelstroms.

After that first time I ended up going alone, usually asking him before I went whether he wanted to go as well and always going for myself than any other reason or person.

Just that this time when I went in January I sillily anticipated memories of the first time there and my association with Ryzvan. Alhamdo lillah I found myself to feel liberated by having gone with no connection to anyone. I stopped at the gate to read the masnoon dua and send salaam, walked to his mum's grave, had a good look at the graveyard and stepped out.

I ended up going there after each exam with the welcome resolution of having gone not because Ryz's mum's grave lay there, but because I would soon be part of dust as well. Nothing is as absolute as the inevitability of death and our return to Him. The mere realization of that reality shatters the seemingly monstrous facade taken on by untamed apprehensions of the human mind.

To think that on that particular day in January I headed for the graveyard absolutely prepared to be selfishly overcome by memories of Ryzvan when Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala Put me in my place, once again.